wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
