I wish I only lived at night.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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