Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
