I met the friendliest cop last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
