Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it hurts more in the daytime
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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