The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
