I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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