He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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