You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
