I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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