someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She's the barista slut.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
