Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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