just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He shit in the fireplace
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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