i permit you to call me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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