just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
