i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
