Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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