Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
