I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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