I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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