youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you had me at cake vodka
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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