see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
