I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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