My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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