im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
