Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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