he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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