Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
