Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
