never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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