so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's like iHOP with fire
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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