i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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