Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You can't just leave with hair like that
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
