Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
