If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
