Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
