I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
