If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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