My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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