Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
