Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
