I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
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