Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
