sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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