So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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