wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
