my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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