Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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