CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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