Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
