dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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