I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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