my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
we're so committed to being not committed
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