I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
