it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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