I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
