my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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