If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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