bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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