Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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